504

I, too, would like to take a couple months off, for chrissakes.

503

Knowing my friend is so sick and just wanting to give her a million dollars so she can just stay home and take a few months off for chrissakes.

502

I'm doing an acting scene with a guy who makes me INSANE so much I want to throttle him, but for some reason we act really well together. But I'd like to throttle him. Perhaps the secret to good chemistry on stage is the power of hate.

501

waiting by the phone.

500

That we were pissed about 49 less things in April than in March.

499

Celeb-bratties.

498

Fuckin' Britney Spears. First my wig, then my hat. Shouldn't she have overdosed and died already?

497

Vicodin stopped working.

496

People who, even though they want to merge into your lane and there is no one behind you refuse to slow down, forcing you to slam on your brakes, even though your poor old car is struggling to get up to passing speed, to get over behind them, and then they get over to where you just were, and then they don't even have the courtesy to acknowledge your flipped finger.

495

Suffering through hours of work with pounding headache, trash can at the ready to become puke receptacle, because you are out of sick time.

494

Being too sick to write on either of your blogs.

493

Looking at computer makes head hurt.

492

Being told by the Albertson's manager that the self checkout stand just "takes some getting used to". Yeah, so does self-flagellation, but I wouldn't plan on doing that twice either.

491

Self-checkout stands. The technology does not work, people. Do you want me to remove the item from the bagging area, put it back in the bagging area, perform a tap dance on the bagging area or what the hell? If someone has to come help me every three items and the transaction takes 3 times longer than normal, how is this helping anyone? Get rid of the damn things. Blow them up in the desert. Heck, I'll personally round them up and do it for you.

490

When your beautiful neighborladyfriend is suffering from a prolonged mysterious evil illness.

489

The fact that I might not be able to go on the ONE vacation I am taking this whole year, because I am still sick.

488

Still sick...day 13.

487

Frickin' PAINFUL dental work.

486

The fact that 484's Spinal Tap isn't the funny kind.

485

Getting one-upped by someone who got a spinal tap.

484

Getting a spinal tap.

483

Getting a guilt trip from your boss.

482

Overheard while walking past neighboring cubicle: (in bored sarcastic tone) "...well what do you want me to do? Look, I do OTHER things for Darfur! I'm not going to do this."

481

Realizing you just did something really easy the really hard way.

480

"Hey, here's my email address. Write to me so I can ignore you digitally."

479

I'm always tired.

478

Rereading an email I've written and realizing I made a stupid mistake. Not the kind that is clearly a typo (eg "whatt ime?"), but the kind that makes me look like I can't spell.

477

"I'll call you right back."
No you wont. But I'll sit here anyway. Like a jackass.

476

A friend using "totes" in an IM conversation in place of the word "totally."

475

Being laughed at for expressing interest in a Prius.

474

NO ONE in my frickin family seems to know how to recycle.

473

Upon walking up to the entrance of an Albuquerque mall, seeing two delinquent high school boys puking in unison into the bushes.

472

Albuquerque.

471

In Albuquerque, even dogs can afford to buy a house.

470

Coming back to work after time off of any kind is almost unbearable.

469

CNN

468

People who imply that their antiwar opponents are cowards when they themselves were deferred from the Viet Nam draft five times.

467

People who act like they won an election that they lost.

466

not getting a straight answer

465

By the way, here's some suppositories.

464

Being told that you have a severe viral infection, that basically all you can do about is wait.

463

Laying there for an hour worrying about everyone you've been in contact with the for last 6 days also having meningitis.

462

Getting a spinal tap for a possible meningitis infection.

461

Having to go the ER on a Saturday night.

460

I used the phrase peep toe.

459

Kenneth Cole peep toes at DSW: $80 (the only shoes in the store NOT on sale)
Heel pads, toe cushions, bandaids on the way to work this morning: $16
Knowing you shouldn't have worn these things in the first place: typical

458

Having a headache for 6 days with no break, that is getting worse rather than better.

457

That I was just cleaning out my book shelf and found a copy of "14,000 things to be happy about." How can I own that? I blame my ex wife. For everything.

456

That Anna Nicole's sister had the idea for "Train Wreck: The Life and Death of Anna Nicole Smith," on audio book before I did.

455

"Train Wreck: The Life and Death of Anna Nicole Smith," already out as an audio book.

454

Adults who have adopted the tastes of their seven year old children and who speak loudly while recounting scenes from the movie "Elf" in public places.

453

It's always, somehow, on some level, teachers' fault.

452

Now English teachers are going to have to report every little thing their students write.

451

People not just accepting that severe mental illness causes crazy wacked-out shit to happen. There IS no further meaning behind it.

450

Media constantly calling the crazy wacked-out gunman Korean when he was a full-on American citizen.

449

People who try to blame crazy wacked-out gunman's motivation on a film.

448

Strep throat

447

PR people who won't let it go. How many ways can I say "no" and why can't I find the strength within me to get rid of you?

446

Being told that my very quiet music, played on a tinny computer speaker, in a room several lengths from everyone else, is too loud and is disrupting phone calls.

445

Being told to ask the person who did that project last year for help and then having every single person you approach deny having done it. Oh, I guess it must have been Elijah. Or maybe it was a ghost. Do I have to hold a freaking seance to get some goddam information around here?

444

Waiting for your luggage for 40 minutes only to discover your bag beat you to town and has been sitting in a random pile the entire time while you watch the carosel spin and wonder whatever might have become of your bag full of precious fluids and trinkets.

443

Cabbies who don't know where they are going. You think I know?

442

Southwest Airlines.

441

$30 drinks. They don't have THAT many shots in them!

440

You can't smoke everywhere in Vegas anymore.

439

Having to get up for a 6 AM meeting in Boston, which is 3 AM to me. Yeah, rarin' to go, kids. Rarin' to go.

438

American Airlines.

437

Standing in line at American Airlines for 40 minutes, just to be told I need to take my bag to TSA my self, thereby standing in another 40 minute line, followed by another 40 minute security line, then having to sprint to get on my stupid overcrowded flight and then being charged money to buy a tiny sandwich or even a freakin' bag of chips on a six hour flight.

436

Boston to LA. American Airlines. Guy using air sickness bags 2 seats away for 3 solid hours. I didn't even know people actually used those. The smell was just an extra bonus. At least I got free wine.

435

I am hungry every two to three hours. That's just inefficient.

434

People are going to start doing more random hate crimes on Koreans now.

433

I can't just accept my hair for whatever state it's in. I have to constantly be fantasizing about the better cut and color. "If only my hair did this or that," I think, "everything would be fine." Bullocks.

432

WHY oh god WHY must it be so BLOODY FREEZING in every damn office I work in?

431

The new Vitamin Water fizzy energy drink. I'm totally tweaking out!

430

Being asked to work next Sunday on Monday morning, effectively ruining the whole week, and fucking up the entire coming weekend.

429

Politicians consistently using the stock phrase "shocked and saddened" in response to any tragic event.

428

Co-workers who do not respect your deadlines, but expect you to bend over and take it in the ass for theirs.

427

Lack of inspiration. Muses are fickle.

426

So I'm on a plane just before take-off and nearby, a girl is crying because she's sick and isn't sitting near her mother, who is sitting next to me, in the middle seat. I can't abide a young girl's tears, so I offer to give up my window seat so the girl can sit by her mother. I go to make the trade. The flight attendant stops me and threatens to kick me off of the plane because, by standing in the aisle, I am obstructing the view of the safety video that nobody is watching. Of course, by arguing with me in the middle of the aisle, the flight attendant makes a 30 second seat switch last through the length of the entire video.

Here's the kicker...

He demands that they show the video AGAIN because of my interference.

And, he didn't let us trade seats.

425

People trying so hard to look like hipsters who are not trying hard, with a perfected air of boredom, at hipster gallery opening

424

Crappy wine at hipster gallery openings

423

Hipster gallery openings

422

When the macaroni's soggy, the peas are mushed and the chicken tastes like wood

421

Sucker MCs

420

Spending hours updating iTunes and making playlists last night, only to get to work the next day to realize you forgot to load everything on your iPod.

419

Water weight gain.

418

Knowing something bad is going to come, being lured into believing it might not, enjoying a feeling of victory over it, then being hit in the face with it after all.

417

NO ONE ELSE SMOKES ANYMORE

416

Broadway™ Engraved

415

Neighbors. Specifically, the one who walked by my porch this morning as I was trying to suck down a little soul-resuscitating nicotine before leaving for work, and made some snarky comment about how I'm up early today, aren't I. Yes, I am still sitting on the porch smoking in the midafternoon pretty often - but I'm usually at work at 8:30. He never sees me because he's not up that early! Asshole.

414

People who care about things it doesn't seem possible that anyone could care about, like whose responsibility, nay, prerogative, it is to open an email inbox with requests for pricing updates. Is this your job? Are you attached to it? No problem, even though the pricing updates will have to come from me to you first anyway. Fine, won't open it. Wait, you have more to say? I don't care. Open it. Don't open it. Light it on fire. Whatever. Ah, you wish to continue this discussion by telling me why it's your sacred duty, and not mine. Okay. But I don't care, really, really. So your worth as an employee and as a person hinges on this Outlook box? Great, I WON'T OPEN IT. I will just wait for you to come over to my desk so that we can discuss it further, on every succeeding day. Awesome!

413

Thursday: cold and raining
Friday: cold and raining
Saturday: cold and raining
Sunday: cold and raining
Monday: cold and raining
Tuesday: cold and raining
April showers my foot.

412

I am rendered helpless making a decision about my hair because new headshots essentially lock my hairstyle in place for the next year to two years.

411

The restrictions on creativity placed upon indie filmmakers by SAG.

410

70% of casting calls for women of my age are as hookers, strippers, or "bikini babes."

409

Willfully, deliberately untreated mental illness.

408

People who prelude their incredulous anger and opinions with the phrase "I'm sorry, but..." as in "I'm sorry, but people who prelude comments with 'I'm sorry, but...' really piss me off."

They piss me off, and I am not sorry to say so.

407

Realizing that you're someone who gets pissed off about printing issues and wondering how and when you became this person.

406

Realizing you have to reprint a dozen files because they all got cut off on one side -- and knowing this was probably 100% avoidable if you'd been paying attention the first time.

405

People who do not realize, that when they are sharing my office, must not talk to themselves, loudly laugh at nothing, or otherwise make jarring exclamations breaking my concentration of ignoring them, and then ask if they are bothering me.

404

The soul-crushing tedium of day to day routine

403

Being thanked for gracefully taking on a project that everyone else noisily objected to.

402

Having a friend at work with whom you have been commiserating and plotting your escape quit before you do.

401

sweat.

400

The annoying habits of cubicle neighbors. At this particular moment: Dave taking a binder clip and clipping it onto that metal part of a pen cap so that it slides off and he has do to it again. It's like he's helping fucking Vishu clip all 20 of his fingernails.

399

This slow-ass fucking POS computer.

398

Senile people on the road. Driving 15 mph is more dangerous than speeding, old timer. It's time to retire the license. You are endangering more than yourself, not to mention freakin' enraging me.

397

The time I have to waste by holding down a 40 hour/week job.

396

This might be the worst chair ever.

395

My horrible and irrational fear of the telephone.

394

My sister thinks she is moving into my building.

393

"Vacation" is an elusive term and never, ever long enough.

392

Not ever learning.

391

Hangovers on Monday. Sheesh, how old am I? Am I EVER going to learn?

390

10 hour video renders

389

The unending exhaustion pervading me

388

Mondays. All of them.

387

The last day of an all too brief visit from friends.

386

Cops on the beach. Just let us get wasted in peace, already.

385

My favorite bathroom stall, the one with the nice ocean view, being out of order for the third day in a row.

384

Ever mother f-ing freeway in Los Angeles

383

The 5

382

The 110

381

The 110 N interchange with the 5 N

380

Overhearing your coworker, with whom you've worked for a year, misspell your first name over the phone.

379

People who don't understand the concept of brevity.

378

It's my Mom's birthday and I can't call her or send her a present or anything fun like that.

377

The NeverEnding Headache.

376

Staff meetings that should last no more than 30 minutes, but end up closer to 90 because of one overly talkative, self-important, disorganized, basket-case of a freakshow co-worker.

375

Becoming the default IT person to co-workers who can't tell that their printers are not working because they are not plugged in.

374

Trying to send an email and getting: "To help us fight spam, please enter the character string as it is shown in the box below."

373

Co-workers who send lengthy criticism by email on one of your recent projects, and then close with "Just my two cents." Yeah, that's about what your "advice" is worth to me, bitch.

372

Traffic so bad, in so many ways, day after day after day, that you find it is taking your soul away.

371

People who, when answering their phone, give way too many chances to the heavy-breathers with their "Hellos."

"Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello?....Hello? Hello?" etc.

You get 2 "Hellos," and that's it.

370

"We're sorry, the hotel you have searched for is not available for the dates you requested."

369

The phrase "hit the ground running," especially when used as some kind of minor threat or guilt trip, as in, "When you come back from your day off/vacation, we are going to have to hit the ground running."

368

Overly cutesy sneezers.

367

When conversations, situations, processes of any kind, and basically anything other than food are referred to as "organic."

366

2 and 1/2 year old political feuds pissing me off all over again

365

Seeing John Kerry in person and not being able to tell him that if he would have grown a backbone we would have gotten rid of Bush 2 and 1/2 years ago.

364

After getting cut off by truck with pro-Bush/Cheney sticker arriving at work to discover John Kerry sitting in the lobby of your place of business.

363

Getting cut off by a truck sporting a pro-Bush/Cheney bumper sticker.

363

Being reliant on IT techs who have access to all the termination-worthy emails I send daily

362

Being reliant on IT techs.

361

IT techs with the inability to relate to any living organism in a manner which does not come off as inherently creepy at best, or downright menacing at worst, so much so that one worries said IT tech may in fact be, on one unexpected dark and foggy night, stretched out in the back seat of one’s car under a blanket, rusty hook in hand.

360

IT techs that lack the basic social skills required to string 2 words together in any sort of helpful manner.

358

Being told to follow the "Appropriate Channels."

357

The "Appropriate Channels."

356

The "Correct Procedure."

355

Refusing to make plans because you have to go to the gym or do laundry. At least pretend you have a legitimate excuse. Fine, you know what? I'd rather sort through my dirty skivvies than hang out with you, too.

354

Management. Wherever you are, whatever your doing, if your in any position of management, your pissing me off.

353

That I'm apparently indifferent to human suffering if it doesn't directly affect me... are you homeless, seeking charitable donation, otherwise in need? Feh! I've got leftovers to eat and Tivo to love.

352

Hotel rooms with no curtains on East facing windows. Well hello, 6 AM!

351

Can't wear barrettes, headbands, or practically any headgear without getting a headache.

350

Not being able to start fires with one's mind.

349

A bucket of pig's blood on your new prom dress.

348

Blood bubbling up in the kitchen sink. That talks.

347

Creepy old women in bathtubs that want you to have sex with them.

346

Killer St. Bernards.

345

Classic cars that kill.

344

Dead pets that reanimate.

343

Killer mimes that live in sewers.

342

Mimes.

341

Killer clowns that live in sewers.

340

Clowns.